Subject: A Fragment of an Ancient Transcript
Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2002 13:51:51 -0800
From: Dr. Rune Covey
To: Baron Whidmer von Smallcliff and Environs
This image was accompanied by the following quote from a transcript of antiquity that was discovered alongside the Dead Sea scrolls in the caves of Qumran: "And Lo, they shall ride beasts of many kind...”. It seems that the Essenes did other things to pass their time in the desert. Some think that this might have been the last verse of the revelation that was delivered to John of Patmos, but scholars have yet to determine its authenticity.Dr. Rune Covey
Archeologist and Historian for the International Study of Hares and
Tortoises
-------- Original Missive --------
Subject: Authenticity of Qumran scroll Exhibit 1A
Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2002 16:53:38 -0800
From: Baron Whidmer von Smallcliff and Environs
To: Dr. Rune Covey
Mr. Covey, it seems that your feeble skills in Archeology for Hares and Tortoises has produced a discrepancy so vast that I simply cannot stand idly by. As an avid collector and sometimes hunter of these fearsome beasts, I may have information pertaining to the authenticity of the aforementioned "scrolls." Clearly you have never owned a tortoise or a hare, nor have you ever had the pleasure of disemboweling one, so I suppose I cannot hold you accountable for your prior statements.
The Hare, or pedetes capensis, has long been the focal point of many quadlibets, so I will not bore you with the details. Rather, I wish to enlighten you as to its origins. John of Patmos was known to have a pet hare, but he was also a known braggart and a liar. Besides being given to fits of periodic rage whenever somebody mentioned the word "piddle," for reasons only known to John of Patmos himself, he would capture and eviscerate the hare, not write ballads of its existence like many modern-day scholars believe, Mr. Covey. The hare never did quite adapt to the harsh conditions of the desert, however, and the eventual prosperity of the species would be attributed to Tim of Canterbury centuries later. The hare also faced extinction during the reign of Herod, Mr. Covey. This was widely kept secret, but when Herod ordered the slaughter of infants in hopes of destroying Christ, he also issued forth an edict of banishment for anybody harboring or abetting the vicious hare. Along with the order of banishment, Herod offered an astounding 10,000 shekels to anybody who captured, maimed, and dismembered as many hares as allotted by fate. This figure was estimated as being of extraordinary value, since the figure offered for Christ's infant body was a mere 1,000 shekels.
The Tortoise, or testudo kleinmanni, originated in Egypt, and was often used as a companion for Pharaoh's wet maids. The tortoise was tolerated by Pharaoh's staff, its antics widely ignored, until one day the tortoise meandered onto holy ground. Seeing the pride of Egyptian society shining on a pedestal, the tortoise grabbed the Ankh with its twisted beak and swallowed this holy relic. Outraged by this atrocity, Pharaoh ordered the tortoise to be strapped down to a platform and die of exposure, however this happened to be during the time that Egypt was struck with the ten plagues. Apparently the tortoise as a species has never forgotten about the incident, and still holds Egypt accountable for the portrayal of the tortoise as being a slow and lumbering beast. They still speak of their martyr and now patron deity, Klein, with reverence and awe, for he made a sacrifice that no tortoise can deny.
I hope this has shed some light on your ideas of these fearsome creatures, Mr. Covey. I can only say that this might have been avoided had you come to seek my expertise sooner.
Very truly yours,
Baron Whidmer von Smallcliff and Environs,
Protector of the True Tortoise and Hare.
-------- Original Missive --------
From: Leland Aleford Gibbons Damentisse
To: Baron Whidmer von Smallcliff and Environs
Subject: The Vast Hare Discrepancy
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 11:52:23 –0800
Dear Mr. von Smallcliff and Environs,
My esteemed colleague Mr. Covey forwarded me your message to him regarding the tortoises and hares. Though I found your information on the tortoises to be sound and quite thorough; it seems as though you have not kept up to date regarding the hare. I am familiar with the lay and uneducated masses still clinging to the archaic belief that the hare was hunted down by the Jewish inhabitants in Herod’s kingdom. Archeological digs of the past twenty years have uncovered astounding new truths to the past. First and foremost is the discovery of a mistranslation of Willard the Drunkards account of King Herod. It was found that Willard had spilled his wine on his parchment. This somehow preserved the scroll. After a very delicate cleaning it was found that Willard had written "hairy llama" instead of "hare." The hairy llama or ballonpopis screamisliamais was the object of Herod's original search. This solved the Historical mystery as to why Herod had his eye pecked out while swimming in the Jordan River. Moreover, this resurrected translation explained the, seeming irrelevant, commentary by Willard regarding herds of llamas plunging themselves into the Great Sea in a mass exodus of the region. It should be noted that in the writing of the King James Version of the Bible the book of Willard was removed because the Church didn't want the ravings of a sinner in the Holy Scriptures. The Church of course denies any knowledge of the existence of Willard the drunkard of Antioch or the ancient attempted mass llama-cide of Herod. As you well know the hairy llama is now indigenous to the coast of Spain and Mexico where they are revered and worshiped for their keen hunting abilities. As a Baron, I hope that you will realize your civic duty and look into this information I have just proverbially pecked at. Please feel free to attend one of my lectures at the University.
Sincerely,
Dr. Leland Gibbons Damentisse,
Professor Emeritus of Animals and the Empires they Ruled, Oxford University.
